Santa Claus was in a terrible tizzy.
It was the night before Christmas and his computer had crashed. All his emails were in a muddle. And he couldn’t find his Santa Nav app for the sleigh. How would he work out who wanted what present and which chimney to go down now? This had the makings of a global upset.
He looked at the list to see if he could make any sense of it. Donald from down town New York wants a fake mulberry handbag. That can’t be right, he thought.
Mrs May from Maidenhead wants a new wife. Nothing wrong with that but Santa’s Christmas instinct told him that maybe this was part of the muddle-up too.
Roberto from Rome wanted a Smart phone – oh, that one was more than likely correct Santa thought. Until he read that Roberto was a dog.
And the Queen had asked for a rocket.
Now he was stumped.
He could understand that and where she’d like to stick it, if truth be told.
Santa scratched his beard and a welcome crumb of mince pie jumped out, followed closely by a cheese and onion crisp. He quickly popped them both into his mouth.
His beard always felt itchy when he was worried.
Mrs Claus found this itching habit of her husband’s very annoying. Well, actually she found a lot of his habits very annoying. But this is a Christmas story, so we won’t go there. Luckily she was busy with her Christmas Eve chores organising Rudolph and the other reindeers. Polishing antlers, painting hooves, attaching bells and giving them their special night-before-Christmas snack of peanut butter popcorn and pink cider. It was go-faster food she said.
It made Rudolph fart loudly. He preferred pizza.
Mrs C’s go-faster food was gin. She was on her fourth.
This year there were also the Christmas Drones that needed to be polished then decorated with red and green baubles. These strange machines were going to speed up the parcel delivery process. Everyone is so greedy these days, the reindeer and Santa struggle to get all the deliveries made on time. Not to mention the delay caused by the detour that the sleigh has to make around the melting ice caps, wars, Trump’s International erections and the road works on the Milky Way.
Anyway back to Santa and his dilemma.
He consulted the computer helpline elves. They shrugged their shoulders and told him to turn his computer off, then switch it back on again while singing Jingle Bells ten times and standing on one leg. Which he did.
Everything was still a muddle.
It was getting very late. At this rate everyone would be receiving their Christmas presents on Boxing Day. And that would never do. He would be disappointing people all over the world.
‘Mrs C, I have a problem,’ he said to his wife with tears in his eyes – ‘my computer has crashed and all the people who sent me their Christmas lists via email have got in a big, confusing un-christmassy muddle’.
She stared at his messy computer desk. And stifled a hiccup.
‘Have you been snaffling mince pies again while sitting at the keyboard? And is that Christmas pudding and custard stuck to the screen? Look at all those crumbs! No wonder your computer has jammed.’
‘Oh.’ Santa said, looking guilty. ‘I better clean it up.’
Everyone gathered around once the crumbs had been swept away to see if Santa’s computer would reboot. Rudolph crossed his painted hooves which caused him to accidentally fart louder than ever before making Dasher and Dancer giggle. Even the computer geek elves looked up from stuffing Christmas stockings with Ipads and Iphones and held their breath.
‘If we don’t get this right nobody will believe in me anymore’. Santa said looking sad. ‘It was so much easier in the old days when I received handwritten letters from everyone.’
Mrs Claus pressed the restart button on Santa’s computer. The machine coughed, spluttered, pinged and sang itself slowly back in order. Everyone stared at the screen as Santa sat down to scroll through his emails.
‘To think that a few crumbs nearly ruined Christmas – it’s Mrs May that wants the handbag, of course and it’s a new wife for the Donald person – look the Queen no longer wants a rocket, and it was a bone for Roberto! The night before Christmas is once again fully restored.’
He pressed the snowflake app and the Christmas carol app and the world was once again spinning in Christmas harmony ready for the biggest day of nonsense ever known to man.